I have nothing against therapy. I like therapy. Therapy has helped me out in some really rough times. It's helped me to self-reflect, face uncomfortable truths, get diagnosed and treated for depression and anxiety, and just all around become a better person.
I love therapy. But I HATE therapy talk.
You know what therapy talk is. Therapy talk is when people tell you that the problem in your relationship is that you're not being vulnerable enough. Therapy talk is when people get angry at you because you are violating their boundaries. Therapy talk is when other people tell you, "I talked to my therapist about you, and they said . . . "
I hate therapy talk!
It is the nature of professionals to develop the lingo of their field, and therapists have done that. But in my general observation, outside of the strict confines of the therapist's office, the lingo of therapy gets abused at an alarming rate. Ironically, the very vocabulary developed by therapists is often weaponized as a form of control and manipulation.
Take "vulnerability" for example. Every time I pick up an article by Brené Brown talking about vulnerability, I agree with almost everything she has written. But I have yet to hear an everyday conversation where the word "vulnerability" isn't being used as a cudgel to get people to expose their weaknesses to their enemies. By "you need to be vulnerable," what most people really mean is, "Tell me how I can exploit you."
But the term I really hate is "boundaries." Again, I don't hate boundaries in the sense that therapists talk about them. A boundary is supposed to be a limit that you set for yourself. It is about keeping yourself protected from situations that you know from experience will hurt you. A boundary sometimes means you need to cut people out of your life, or limit your dealings with them. Don't hang out with your ex-drug dealer. Don't meet up with your abusive ex to try to mend your relationship. Don't hang out with people who constantly pressure you to violate your principles. These are boundaries.
All too often, however, people set boundaries not to protect themselves but to control other people. Instead of keeping harm outside of their boundaries, they try to capture other people within their boundaries. And that brings me to Jonah Hill. His ex-girlfriend, Sarah Brady, recently dropped some of their personal text conversations on the internets. And here we see a good example of what I'm talking about.
Now, I want to be clear. I do not support airing dirty laundry like this. But the dirty laundry is out, and I am seeing way too many people defend Jonah Hill arguing that he was being "healthy" and was just setting "boundaries."
I have no such positions. I hate the therapy talk, through and through. To be clear, a "boundary" is not an excuse for calling your partner stupid. ("You don't seem to get it.") It's not an excuse to put all the responsibility for the relationship on your partner. ("But it's not my place to teach you.") These are not boundaries. These are passive-aggressive jabs, at best. That little, "And I hope that makes you happy" is the cherry on top. The implication is, of course, "because you have not made me happy."
Look, I'm not going to say Jonah Hill is being abusive here. I've read through several of these text messages, and honestly, I don't know what in the world is going on in this situation. I can't follow along with the conversation. It's broken up and distorted. It's screenshots on social media in tabloids. In the end, I do not want to pass judgment on Jonah Hill. I am passing judgment on therapy talk. Regardless of how this situation ends up playing out, I think Sarah Brady gives a perfect example of why I hate the word "boundaries."
